Goodness me it's been a while.

You'll dance to anything.

Looking forward enormously to this bank holiday. Spending the weekend in the company of my brother and sister, am anticipating diverse drinking, eating and dancing scenarios.
I've been dancing and singing to lots of lovely and fabulous songs this evening while I've beeen cooking. And drinking gin!
Hey hey we are a hurricane.
TTFN, got a life to live.

Lard.

As I sit here typing away I am sipping, note cunning use of euphemism, at a Martini. This is because today I have been surrounded by morons and fuckwits. I'd like to tell you about some of my fabulous life and all the fabulous and very stylish stuff I have been experiencing, all the items off someone else's bucket list I have ticked off but it's been a bit shit lately. I had to miss Korn for a start because of illness, first time ever.
However one ray of light is that two dolts have repinned my picture of lard on Pinterest.

                                                                                                                     
















Published by the Lard Information Council. This was closely linked to the long lost Knitted Swimwear Council.

I for one miss both these organisations, life is not the same.

The sound of silence

Mouse most probably has dementia, she has been helping me a bit earlier with some typing and by hiding behind the printer. Thank-you Mouse you dopey little animal.
The last three days I have been effectively silenced by an acute case of laryngitis. This has gone down quite well with some of my acquaintances but has made yelling at morons and expressing myself quite tricky. People have been looking at me with pity and as if I am a little bit strange but I find when mouthed carefully enough "Motherfucker" is pretty easy to understand. I am worried that I may never sing the Ryeford national anthem again.
However it's easy enough to bollock someone via text message, now if only I had everyone's mobile number it would all be fine.

This was supposed to be a picture of Mouse but it's a picture of my fridge, I seem to have rather a lot of butter.

Dull

All I can say is that this must be the least interesting Pinterest pin ever. Fas-fucking-nating.
Someone was so enthralled with their stainless steel cookery bookstand they pinned it. i have an urge to put a gardening book on it, I reckon their lives would fall apart.
I may start a new board called Dull, it will be full in a trice.

I don't wish to seem rude but maybe grandpa made this. "I know, I'll glue a lampshade to a stick, that'll look stylish."

Red Letter Day.

 Here are some turds that were polished earlier.
Quite obviously they are the turds of a person with a serious addiction to Polo mints or ring donuts but they polished them and arranged them nicely, bless them.

Glitter.

You can't polish a turd but you can cover it in glitter. This is certainly food for thought, I may have to re-name my blog now.
Unfortunately I will not be able to swim in the fountain this weekend because it isn't full enough and some ducks have taken up residence in it. I can handle swimming with frogs but a couple of horny ducks is an entirely different matter so I shall have to find other leisure pursuits. Today I am amusing myself by cleaning the bathrooms and cooking various items and preparing for a little celebration later that may involve alcohol and dangerous cheese.



Going to make some of these too!

Nom nom

Sophia

In a shameless veering off course discussing pointless crap and abusing myself in as many forms as I can find and making a public note of it, today is a special day for me; there is a new little lady in my life and she is called Sophia and I am very proud to call myself her grandmother. Welcome to the world.

Grey Lady Down.

I'd like to pretend that I'm past the age of drinking Malibu and Coke but sadly I am not; I still find farting enormously amusing especially when the emitter rounds the proceedings off by saying "pardon me". Well I do pardon you but I still found it hysterical and will for the next 30 minutes.







Tomorrow I find myself with no social engagements, anti or otherwise so I shall be baking for afternoon tea.
Last weekend was fab, the best bit was lying on the settee (I'm British so it will never be a sofa) contemplating what I had done to myself the night before and what I was about to do to myself.
I love having a bad hangover, I can remember every hangover I ever had when I was so ill I couldn't can't move.
the best one I ever had I watched "Gray Lady Down" with Charlton Heston and ate a Fray Bentos pie. And that was it all day.
 Gray Lady            Pie
       Bastard drink

The Crossbow Moment.

Had an amazingly epic time last night at Rammstein. Poppy accompanied us this time. If I were to try to describe how fabulous it was I would fail. I got covered in fake sperm, my knees still hurt and my ears feel like they have hot pokers in them. There is nothing like a Rammstein concert.

Not lonesome.

Well my life has been taken over by Pinterest, I am an addict.
I have found my Korn CD that I thought was lost forever.
I am going to see Korn on my own this year. You can't hear anything so really you don't need company and last time my friend Krys had to go and have a bit of a sit down so what the fuck?
I'm also going on holiday on my own so all I have to say for four days is "Gin and slimline please." I spend my life talking, I'm giving my jaw a well earned rest.
I decided that this would be the year things change and so far they have, planning, planning.

Pinterest

I have joined Pinterest, I have realised my life is not stylish enough. I will look enviously on at all the other stylish Pinteresters and fill myself full of self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy. On the other hand I might just carry on in the cack-handed manner to which I have become accustomed.

Excessive consumption

Going to a retirement do this evening in which I plan to have steak and chips and drink a large quantity of vin rouge for its' health benefits. Some people do carbon off setting, personally I don't, I'm a consumer and I long for the glory days of being able to chuck everything in the rubbish, recycling is such a fuss. Anyway I calorie off-set, some would say, and probably rightly, that I haven't totally got the knack of calorie off-setting. In the week we had Quorn instead of mince beef but I whacked in a considerable amount of Port Salut, the round cheese with the orange hue.
  
 I forgot Aunt Jemima on top

 oh and a bucket load of Philadelphia.

This is probably a poor example of calorie off-setting and could explain a couple of things.
Not to worry, there's a lot of time to diet when you're dead..

Harvesting the gap.

I went to an "Away Day" today to discuss, or be talked at rather, my job and the organisation I work for. It was completely pointless. One of the facilitators used the phrase "harvesting the gap" without smirking. I ask you. I hate the word facilitators and I hate it when the English language is mangled by knobheads in suits. There was a certain amount of self-importance. At least I got home at a decent hour which enabled me to complete some tasks. Unfortunately not the task involving the old fish tank which I keep putting off or cleaning the fridge.
The veal chops weren't great but the vodka and dill cream sauce was a triumph, as was the marmalade.
I am worried about defrosting the fridge because the sea-level will rise as the ice melts and I don't want to be responsible for wiping a small island off the face of the earth.


Marmalade.
Note the giant Freddo in the background.




It's Quorn mince night tomorrow on Day 4 (and final for this week) of healthy eating week. Nom nom not.

Gremlin

This weekend I'm going to make some marmalade from scratch so god help you if you live local because you'll be getting a jar. I am also going to cook veal chops with vodka dill cream sauce and some spaetzles. it's a gastronomic adventure
                                                                                                             
                                     
                                                                                                               

                                                 
                                                                   
I love vodka, I'm just about to make myself a Gremlin before I go to the pub, this is a rather fantastic drink that cures all known ills.







                       

Sherlock

I went with Poppy to the cinema tonight to see the latest Sherlock film, it was pretty good, it could have been improved with some Rammstein which would have suited the story perfectly but this is just my humble opinion. However the opera bits were great. Some party-pooping squares spoiled the cinema going experience by placing their balding and greying craniums in front of us. It was amusing seeing how wound up they got finding their seats in an empty cinema.
Poppy and I ate someone else's supper. Win.

Crap

The Splodge

What a crappy day it has been, the only redeeming factor is the fact that I am now at home.

Crackling

I look at this picture of Zoltan Bathory from time to time to cheer myself up. It works every time. I think he's probably a bit of a nerd but I like him and his music.

This made me smile today.






Yesterday I thought I would make a bit of an effort with the weekends' catering so I bought a nice ham hock to cook for the kids to snack on with sandwiches, make some soup, you know the kind of crap but it went wrong. I forgot I put it in the oven and there it stayed overnight and some more.
Poppy and I avoided the irritation that is the Stroud Farmers' Market today. Basically Stroud is a bit of a dump, I like it for this very reason and then on a Saturday all the trendy wankers pile in to buy over-priced crap made by people who regard themselves as artisans.
It was a brainwave though because if you put the word "Artisan" in front of a loaf of bread, a scotch egg or a donut you can charge at least three times as much for it. A scotch egg is a scotch egg, you can't polish a turd.

Unbelievably Nestle still have not contacted me about my Black Magic query, I don't think they care. Chocolate Bastards.

The Twilight Saga.

I just flushed Wario and Waluigi down the pan, they lasted 10 days, not even as long as the Christmas turkey, I found some in the back of the fridge this morning. I'm such a slovenly home-maker.
The brats and I had a chat about dusk, twilight, evening and night and their relationship to each other. This was a pointless exercise as it turns out that dusk only lasted three minutes this evening.
Nothing from Nestle.

Rubbish

It's bin day tomorrow which involves getting up early to put the rubbish out so the local cats don't eat it over night. What a way to start your day sifting through rubbish. Luckily it's not recycling too, this is very stressful when you haven't done any for 6 weeks and there's all of Christmas to discreetly dispose of. 

Mmmmmm Montelimar....

I am disappointed that Nestle haven't responded so far about the missing chocolates, I checked some information today about the Black Magic box, I am not the only person in outrage about the lack of Montelimars!

And here we have it in all it's glory.

Black Magic

This evening I emailed Nestle to find out why the new Black Magic only has six varieties of chocolates. This is a disappointment, I'm sure there were more when I was a girl. This will be especially embarrassing if it turns out that I've remembered a different manufacturers box of chocolates. I want the Turkish Delight back in particular.
I also had a text conversation with Lorna about turds.
Today is officially known as January the Turd because it's the day normal life resumed after the Christmas break. It certainly was a turdy day. However Lorna informed me about ghost turds, this was very interesting indeed as I have experienced the phenomenon but didn't know what it was called. Put simply, it's when you poop and it disappears round the u-bend of its' own accord, a ghost turd.
I understand this is an educational fact but rather unedifying. Well that's me all over.
I shall of course keep you posted re developments on the Black Magic front and discuss the efficacy of Molybdomancy.
We had Teriyaki chicken for tea, it was nice.